


Michael Pretends He's Okay, A Year Long Story

by KillMeNow



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, BPD, Brief Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Manipulation, Medication, Nonbinary Character, PDA, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, abuse mention, dubcon, i love my gay son, i want to save michael plz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillMeNow/pseuds/KillMeNow
Summary: Michael isn't okay. And he doesn't want to worry his boyfriend.A chronicle of how the two of them cope.





	1. Month 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm pretty bad at writing long fics. So,, i hope you enjoy and dont cry after you read this like i did when writing it.

It's been one month since the play.

 

One month since the end of some of the worst shit they had ever been through.

 

One month of Michael anxiously hiding a secret he had been too teriffied to tell Jeremy. Or any of their friends.

 

During the play, when everything was going down, and Jeremy was being almost convinced to give up after Christine had said he loved him, Michael was being held down. And he had a squip forced into his mouth. He had to swallow it, and Jeremy didn't notice. It hadn't been activated.

 

It was just there.

 

Dormant.

 

Waiting.

 

Until one day, during his and Jeremy's gaming sessions, he had drank some mountain dew without thinking about it.

 

And then, a voice. And Michael screamed. Pain coursed through his body, and he was convinced it was the worst thing that he had ever felt. It felt like someone was poking at the inside of his skull with a knife. It hurt like hell. He felt nauseous and like he was going to die. Before it stopped. In his fuzzy haze of pain, he hadn't noticed Jeremy holding him, rubbing his back, concerned.

 

"Michael?" He asked, after Michael's tears had subsided.

 

"...Yeah?"

 

"Are you okay? I was- I was so worried! You just- Screamed! Out of nowhere! What happened?" Jeremy said, still rubbing soothing circles on Michael's back.

 

Michael had to think of a lie. And he had to think of one fast. "M-My.. hallucinations. With the BPD. Y'know." He said, trying to sound calm.

 

Jeremy nodded in understanding. "Okay. Do you need anything?" Michael shook his head.

 

"Can we just cuddle a bit? Lay down? My head hurts."

 

*****************

 

Michael didn't know why he lied. But he immediately felt a desire to protect Jeremy from the knowledge that his boyfriend was going through some of the shit that had given Jeremy such intense physical and emotional scarring.

 

But he was starting to regret not telling Jeremy. Michael saved all of his mountain dew red for Jeremy. He didn't want to risk anything or waste it on himself. Even if it meant having a squip.

 

Besides, his didn't seem too bad. At first.

 

Until it started talking to him in the middle of the night.

 

_You don't look masculine enough, everyone thinks you're a girl. You need to make yourself look like a_ real _boy, Michelle._

 

'Please stop calling me that.'

 

_If it will make you listen to me, Michael._

 

'Thank you.'

 

His phone chimed with a text from Jeremy. Ironically enough, it was about him having woken up from a nightmare about the squip.

 

**Jeremy** : It still feels so fresh. Rich is so good at hiding his emotions, i cant tell if hes faking it or he genuinely did move on already.

 

**Jeremy:** I know that nobody I love will ever have to deal with a squip again, but.. still.

 

Michael felt a pang of guilt at that.

 

**Jeremy:** Sometimes i get nightmares you get squipped. Its scary.

 

Michael shut off his phone.

 

_You're a  liar, Michael Mell. You're keeping something huge from him. You're awful._

 

'I know, I know.' 


	2. Month 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ps, im sorry.

_Michael._

 

'Yes?' 

 

_You need to decide. Are you going to be a normal boy or just a girl? Boys aren't chubby, Michael._

 

Oh god, it was like every insecurity of his rolled into one and force fed down his throat. 

 

_I just want to help, Michael._

 

'Bullshit. Jeremy's squip almost ruined his life. Who's to say you won't do the same thing to me?'

 

There was a pause that felt like it lasted a lifetime. 

 

_I can help you get him to love you back. Jeremy._

 

Another pause.

 

'You can really do that..?' 

 

_Of course I can, Michael. You just need to obey._

 

It couldn't hurt to try out the squip a little bit, right?

 

_*************_

Jeremy knew something was off with Michael the moment he saw him. The bounce in his step was gone. It seemed as if he was more.. calm? Collected? He wasn't sure if a word for it. 

 

He seemed oddly.. chill.

 

It took a few minutes longer than it should have for it to dawn on Jeremy. He wasn't sure what it was, how Michael would go to say something, smiling, then flinch a little and shut up, or how he seemed.. paranoid. 

 

Michael had been squipped.

 

He decided to confront Michael about it.

 

Indirectly, but still.

 

"You seem different. What's wrong, mikey?" Even the childhood nickname failed to get Michael to smile.

 

"Nothing. I think it's just.. the new medication."

 

And Jeremy accepted this.

 

Deep down, he knew it wasn't true. He just didn't want to have to accept that maybe Michael had been squipped and he hadn't told him.

 

Because.. they were best friends. And best friends told eachother everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna get better, I swear. 
> 
> PS IM SORRY THEYRE NOT VERY LONG CHAPTERS,, I'm gonna try and write/publish as fast as I can but life gets in the way sometimes, so I make no promises on upload schedules, but I hope to get out at least one chapter a day, or two.


	3. Month 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me?

Michael was going to die. His squip had decided that every time he thought a self depreciating thought he would be shocked. 

 

Which. Was certainly one way to improve his mindset. 

 

If it didn't work so awfully.

 

_You'll never get Jeremy if you keep thinking you're garbage, Michael._

 

'Ill never get Jeremy, period.'

 

Another shock.

 

 _Maybe_ another shock.

 

 _It_ another shock.

 

_Would another shock._

 

_Just another shock._

 

 _Be_ another shock.

 

 _Easier_ another shock.

 

 _To Kill You._ A final shock left Michael sobbing in agony. 

 

His phone rang.

 

'Speak of the devil,' He thought, before picking it up. 

 

"Hey, Jer. What's up?"

 

"Can you come over later? It feels like we don't hang out much anymore after.. everything. Now that the squip is gone, I wanna work on being more.. true to myself." 

 

'God, Jeremy, If only you knew.' 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short lmao


End file.
